...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
