YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
