My friends, they love my intelligence
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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