Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Randomize
