I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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