That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize