I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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