Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
