I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
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