Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
