Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
