She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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