Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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