I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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