i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
