Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Randomize