I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
