my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Randomize
