and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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