she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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