Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
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