yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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