and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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