before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
