i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
