Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
