Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Randomize
