You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
