I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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