Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
