"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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