Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
