so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
