I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
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