im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
