i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
