my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
