im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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