You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
