Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
