You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
