Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
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