its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
