we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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