My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
