YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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