I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
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