I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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