rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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