My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Randomize
