Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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