I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
