I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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