My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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