Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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