You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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