We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
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