You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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